


Guilt

by DemonWalker



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-02-06 17:24:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1866159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonWalker/pseuds/DemonWalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Kieren is worried that by being with Simon he is betraying Rick somehow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guilt

He doesn't clock much of what they're doing, really; focuses on the fact that they're  _kissing_ , and it's more than wonderful. He kind of assumed there wouldn't be really much point in kissing, they don't really feel all that much, but some how, this is almost sensory overload. He can feel Simon's cold hands brushing his neck and jaw, and his dry bottom lip between both of his own. He can feel every minute movement that Simon makes, whether it's pulling back or pushing forward. Brushing his thumb up, or pulling his hands further down. Tilting his head right, or tilting to capture Kieren's bottom lip. A nudge of his nose against his cheek, or a puff of breath that follows.

His lips are rough and soft at the same time. Cold, almost icy, but there's a warm feeling that comes with kissing another person, from the closeness and the connection, that is still here. It makes him grip Simon's stupid jacket tighter and pull him closer to him, against him. It's what makes him take a step between Simon's legs, forcing him to move back slightly, together. He ends up pushing Simon against the open door, letting go of his jacket and slipping his hands inside, then moving them down, and up, underneath his shirt, gripping his hips, waist, pressing up; closer and more desperate. 

He can feel when Simon's hands move from holding his neck and jaw to one of them gripping his jacket at his shoulder, the other arm winding round his neck, hand slipping into his hair. He can feel every hair move as his fingers run through the strands, every brush of the fabric moving over his collar bone. The sensations come and go in waves of barely there to more than you thought possible. 

Simon murmurs "Kier.." into the kiss, and it's like a punch to the gut because then it's all flooding back to him at once. _Amy. _Simon._  Rick. Amy. RickAmySimonAmyRickRick **Rick**. _

Kieren steps back and away from Simon as quickly as possible, straightening himself up, being aware of the fact that Simon doesn't try at all, his breath coming out in harsh sharp bursts, chest rising and falling as he takes in Simon, stood a foot from him with wide, shocked eyes and pursed mouth. But, then Simon's wiping a palm over his lips and tugging gently at his shirt and Kieren just feels guilt settle at the pit of his stomach. He shouldn't have kissed him. Christ, this was such a  _mistake._

He's stumbling out the door without another glance at Simon, all but running toward the newer cemetery.  

He almost laughs when it starts raining, because of course it starts raining, how bloody appropriate. It doesn't stop him sitting beside Rick's grave in the dirt, the soggy mud soaking through his jeans. Folds his arms around his knees, pursing his lips and breathing hard. He's almost in a panic over it, doesn't want to be, part of him is aware of the stupidity behind this freak out, that Rick... Rick would mind if he were alive, of course, but it wouldn't have happened if Rick was still here. And...he thinks Rick would want him to be happy, and as shocking as the realisation is, Kieren genuinely believes that Simon might actually do that.  _Simon._  

The Amy situation he...he needs to deal with too; he'll have to talk to Simon, and then talk to Amy, explain, apologise. But for now, he needs to sort this out with Rick. He has to be sure about this; he needs to know this isn't... that this is okay. 

He has two lines of a poem circling his head as he stares at the white cross and wilted flowers.

_'And I know you're looking down,_   
_I'd like to think you're proud of me...'_

"Christ, Rick. I'm so sorry. I don't... I didn't even think about it..." 

As he brushes his hand over his face and closes his eyes, his fingers linger on his lips; he almost laughs. How nonsensical is this; He's made out with one dead guy and is now apologising to another. What has his afterlife become. 

"He reminds me of you, you know. But, the two of you are completely different, too. God, he knows how to infuriate me. I...He's an ass, in all honesty. He's a leader of this... I guess it's a cult, well, a group within the cult, and it's so weird seeing him being Mr Twelfth Disciple. It's not him. It isn't."

Kieren pauses, taking a deep breath before continuing.

"...I guess that's why he reminds me of you. Two sides. You were always so different when...Christ....He's a dork, he's, he wears awful jumpers and loves The Smiths, Nirvana, he can quote Yeats off the top of his head...He's caring, and reckless. He hates how we're treated, wants to do something about it, and...even though I think he's going about it all wrong, I kinda like it about him, too...He plays guitar, apparently, and sings awfully off key. Amy told me that. She likes his singing, but admits he isn't very good. You met Amy, remember?"

He pauses again and tilts his head up to the sky, letting the rain hit his face, reveling in it, even if he can't feel the sensation properly. 

He always loved sitting outside during a storm. His mum would go nuts, telling him he's going to catch pneumonia, but he would just sit outside on the front garden wall and let the rain drench through his clothes as he listened to the rumble of thunder. He'd always feel relaxed, it would always help him clear his head, just a little. 

He can't spend the rest of his afterlife waiting around for Rick, thinking about Rick, doing everything for Rick.

Rick wouldn't want him to. 

He wanted him to live without him, the first time round, when they were actually alive. He wanted him to make the most of what he had, and he couldn't, because it didn't include Rick. They had a second chance and it was taken away from him, from them. 

He'd hate to think that he'd throw away his chance with Simon for Rick. Rick may have been his first love, but he doesn't have to be his only.

Rick threw them away, for Kieren, because of Bill, and then Bill threw it away for the both of them. Even their afterlife is too short for this. 

Rick would want him to make the most of it, of this second life, second chance at everything, he's sure. And if that includes a complicated relationship with a Zombie extremist, so be it.


End file.
